They say you choose your mother, instead I am grateful she chose me!

Sometimes you are unsure which pain is worse – the shock what happened or the ache that will follow. The pain of waking up every morning and for a split second, forgetting that part of your heart and soul isn’t here anymore, and then remembering is awful. Part of who you are and where you come from is gone. No new memories will ever be made with my mother. Losing my mother on September 13, 2015, has been the most surreal experiences just a few months before her 60th birthday. The shock is immense, I still feel you are in the next room and you will suddenly appear and say “it’s 1 am turn off the computer and sleep.”  I want to talk to her, tell her what happened to her, because she was the person I would talk to for anything major, minor or how to do life questions. She was the person who would care and support me most with her unconditional love and now has disappeared from this world and her soul crossing over to the unknown great depths that are beyond us.

Some goodbyes are the ones you have to endure without wanting to, and this is for my mother who was my entry into the world. My mother’s name was Nita Mehra – true to her name which means “Morality” or Naitikta. She believed in doing the right thing always and kept her duties before herself. Growing up she wanted to be a doctor following her father’s legacy but when she couldn’t so she explored her creative side by pursuing home sciences and then dietetics. She was a true learner, always in pursuit of another experience, discovering, reading and adapting a new skill. She was a great cook and a fabulous baker without having any formal training, but I told her often she could write a cookbook.  She could do sewing, knitting, catering, block printing and gardening. She was farsighted and always ahead of times with ideas. Looking at the pictures that exist before I was born, I realize my mom was very beautiful. She didn’t like wearing makeup, she was very simple and grounded. I am not saying she was perfect, but she was never embarrassed to work hard or admit her mistakes and she evolved over these years to be a gem of a person.

Being the only daughter, my mother's notion of pampering was different, she was a disciplinarian and it was not always easy to hide from all the attention and focus. Studying was always last on my to-dos and making me study was first on her list. She was a perfect teacher: invented new ways for teaching me always trying to invoke my curiosity and was patient to explain subjects or life, fostering the importance to reason everything. Of course, I was compelled to always test this side and was rewarded with her spankings. Though she wasn’t outwardly affectionate, but I always knew that I was loved and adored by her. She made birthdays special, she would bake me the fanciest cakes from trains to dolls laboriously spending hours at it or stitch me the dress that she saw in a magazine. Opening my lunch box in school had special triggers in my memory with friends. Leaving my dog on the bed early in the morning to wake me up. A genius at finding games and activities I enjoyed that would teach me valuable lessons and important skills.  Growing up, when my dad used to be out for army exercises or field postings she used to bring her fun side out never letting me miss him; cooking wonderful treats, going out for movies or driving me to my grandma’s place. When I was little, I used to be scared sleeping alone my mother used to sit beside me reading her prayer book till I drifted away in the sleep world. She taught me everything from how to eat to how to react to any situation.

As my relationship with my mother grew and changed over the years that was perhaps my favorite thing about it: she became my best friend, adviser and confidante. It was about being together and laughing about the goofy things we came up with and she was also the sibling I never had. She put up with my mood swings, my constant chatter, and my continuous requests and, to her credit, she listened. She only offered gentle guidance when asked, but she let me make my own way so that I could learn from my own mistakes. And she was there, waiting to hold me when it all came crumbling down, as she must have known it would. We also share many similar personally traits, including introversion and sensitivity. Her greatest quality was to encourage me to make the best of everything and to face problems head on and encouraged me to reach my full potential or go after my dreams. There are really no words to describe my closeness with my mother. There are only feelings, indescribable feelings which make my heart burst and my whole being melt.

My mom was a fighter in her last moments, as she was her whole life. She had lost some years of her life to her illness, but she was always smiling through the excruciating pain. I can’t thank R&R hospital doctors enough who operated on her for 10 hours trying everything in their power to save her. Death came to her several times, but she ignored it but this time God was serious. A true fighter spirit who was a warrior in her own right, though my dad has served in Indian Army. Her illness never defined her.  I’ve lived in awe of her independence and strength since I was young. She was the most active person in the house, nothing stopped her from doing household chores or taking care of us. She was house proud, super organized and wore many hats of a beloved daughter, cherished sister, devoted wife, and an amazing mother. She loved everyone selflessly and unconditionally. I saw her care for my father while she herself was not keeping well. A very sensitive and a compassionate person who in spite of her blurred vision went and taught community kids. She was my example of independence, persistence, poise courage, service, faith, hope, love of nature and the ongoing quest for truth and spirituality. It is an embodiment of these values worthy of my deepest admiration and respect.

“Nothing is ever lost till your mom can’t find it but when you can’t find your mom anywhere. Everything is lost.” The most important lesson she left was don’t take your health for granted, we don’t appreciate it until it’s gone. Many of us get distracted by insignificant things in life, many of us brood and focus on our little problems, and forget that which is most important. Keep focused on what is truly important, not only when your life is easy, but when it is difficult too. Though I can’t thank my friends and family for the love and support as she leaves a massive void and grief in our lives. She was the centrifugal force in the lives of my nani, dad and me, we don’t know how we will cope without her. Though her heart stopped beating but she continues to live in our hearts.